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Internship soon and then... ? Having an internship is something that I thought would not happen very soon.
Proven, I was wrong.
Here I am, waiting to experience my internship in about one week.
Honestly, it's scaring the crap out of me. My place of internship is a corporate world that seems to be so far away and out of reach from my hand, possibly my heart.
I can't deny that I am not that comfortable when it comes to working in such an environment, but it is my internship. My life, as exaggerated as it sounds, depends on it.
Thus, I must do my very best to fit in that kind of working environment.
A lot of people AKA my peeps, were surprised when they heard I would be working there!
'Oohhss' and 'Whys' and 'I thought...?' were voiced by them.
Yes, I admit I surprised myself. I and the rest of the whole bloody world (except my family who have been so accepting yet concerned) thought I would go for an area that involves broadcasting (radio, possibly TV?). But, hey! It is not life if you have not experienced different things.
If this area that I'm going to be working on is not for me, at least by the end of this internship, I will know what I am NOT going to apply for.
Now, waiting for my internship to start, I'm just enjoying life.
Trying to enjoy it at least.
Every now and then, insecurities would creep in. I would ask myself, am I capable of working there? Am I going to be happy most importantly? Yes, the job would be tough, it would be busy and perhaps, crazy. But, am I really that tough to handle it?
Only time will tell, but I have to believe in myself, which is not surprisingly, the hardest, HARDEST thing to do.
Believing in myself, in the very best of me, is something that has been hard to do for the longest time.
Born out of a loving family, you might think that it's supposed to be easy for me to be confident and not afraid of the world.
Hey! You thought WRONG!
My family is loving, encouraging, caring... I could go on forever describing my family. But, being confident is not something that is planted in me. My parents have tried since I was a kid, to make myself more confident, braver, to just go up on stage and dance or sing my heart out.
At least there was a moment when I was that brave. But, as I grow up, this confidence, this protective wall, crumbled slowly.
It's not as easy as it used to be to just sing in front of people, to dance, to even voice my opinion.
Probably, it has something to do with my 'not-so-happy' past when I was bullied because I was voicing my opinion, because I dared to help when others did not. And the truth, no one in that darkest times of my life, cared. I meant none of my friends. There were some who tried to understand why I was shunned, why I was bullied so badly by these mean girls. But, the mean girls won.
Because life is not a movie where the good girl who tried to do the right thing can win and then will made up with the bullies. It just wasn't a movie. If it was, then I'd say it was a very very BAD movie.
Through it all, my family was my rock. But then again, their help came too little too late because of my own fault. I didn't have the courage to tell them how their little girl was bullied. I mean I realized that those bullies were not all at fault. Maybe, I was too loud, too daring, trying too hard to be liked by others. But, was I really at fault for that?
I don't know, probably I'll never know and I don't really wanna know.
Back to the point, this holiday has been great despite of my insecurities. I went out to meet my secondary school friends and my friends at poly. I even did a performance with my friends at this church event. It was wonderful.
These days, I love looking up at the sky, asking myself silly or just serious questions that are mostly about life. The world is just one whole big mess, isn't it? The disappearance of MH370, South and North Korea retaliated against each other, bombs, death. The list just goes on and on and on.
Life can be unsettling especially after I watched or read the news on these horrific events. But, you gotta go on and only can hope that the world will someday be at peace.
I can only hope for a better future, not just for myself, but for the whole of my generation who are currently feeling lost, and far from hopeful.
Song of the day:
Paper Hearts - Tori Kelly
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NO8zDm437Ls
It's been quite some time. So, I'm trying to blog from my phone. Not as enjoyable as doing it from my laptop. Honestly, it's harder to type here.But, I decided to do it anyway because I really want to blog so badly. So, updates on my recurring life: 1. Still having self confidence issue 2. Zero, nada love life 3. Going to have internship soon and honestly, I'm scared sh1tless What a great update eh? Not sure if anyone keeps track on my blog except me. -.- So, zero love life and UNPOPULAR! Ok, I'm not into the whole popularity thing but just curious on what it feels like? Anyhoo, just gonna suck it in and let life takes its course. Here's hoping it'll be much better and brighter in the future. "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."
Been Gone for a long time... When I first entered Poly life, I was afraid.I was basically afraid of EVERYTHING- of the new culture I'm gonna face, of the new friends, will they accept me, of the teachers, of the crazy assignments, deadlines, you get it. But, things started to change. It got better. You gained some friends, gained new experiences, you learnt new things and skills that you thought you never had in you. You had CCA, you became a whole new person that is basically a better version of yourself because this new person dares to take risks, dares to challenge herself. Then, things went rough for awhile, the crazy deadlines, you got separated from your friends, the teachers got a little scarier and maybe you're not as good as you think. Basically doubts started to set in, again... Then, things got better again. You believed in yourself again and you realized, "Hey, it's just a rough patch. It will be alright." Now, I'm questioning myself. I'm in this 'thing' where at first, I thought I loved it. I thought to myself, "Hey, maybe joining this 'thing' is a good idea. I will expand my creativity, I will utilize this skill." Best of all, this 'thing' accepted me. Now, I'm not so sure anymore. It was like a movie. A new kid entered a new school, she got popular for awhile, then things went downhill. She figured out that her clique is not as great as it used to be. People changed but worst of all, she did not change. She stuck to being herself. Even worse, the people that used to care, had to go and now being replaced by new people. This so called 'new people' are nice. Yeah, they made you laugh, they made you happy for a moment. But then reality sets in, they don't really care about you. They just thought of you as an old member, as a somebody that is there but it doesn't really matter because well, she's not that important. They just talk to you because they had to. They secretly feel sorry for you, but when you weren't there, it didn't matter because it made no difference. So, I guess that kid is me. I'm not saying that I was popular then I became a nobody. It is just a reference, a similar scenario except that I'm never the popular kid... At least I don't think so. People knew my name, but that's all. She's just another face in the crowd. How can a nobody stands out? How can a plain simple girl be different from the crowd? “I didn't know why I was going to cry, but I knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of the throat and I'd cry for a week.” ― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar
Worst freaking day Today is officially the worst day ever.I feel like crap, like there's crap then ten feet down below then there's me. Yeah, I knew I was not gonna score greatly for my skills test but I never thought it was gonna be this bad. To say it was bad was an understatement. Maybe I am the worst one in the whole cohort. It was so dumb, so stupid of me. I was so nervous and I was a freaking train wreck. First, there were four stations. I think I did alright in camera and VT. But my Audio and TD were just horrible. I think the teachers were giving me 'pity' marks. It was really the most horrible thing that could ever happen. I could not describe what I was feeling inside. All I know when I was there, my mind just blanked out and I was being this stupid, afraid little girl that was so timid and dumb. My teacher was shouting in my ears and what made me wanted to cry was not that. It was the fact that I could not get it right and could not remember anything about it. I still feel like crying, I do. And I thought I would cry there because I was on the verge of breaking down. It was like a page out of 'the worst day ever' or 'the worst things that could happen during skills test'. Yeah, I never thought I would actually experience this. It was painful and I don't know what will make me feel better. Maybe you thought that I am being dramatic, the truth is maybe I am. All I know is that I screwed it up. So, congratulations to me. I succeeded in making myself a screw up.
Tough Times... Will they pass? "Life sucks at times...I don't know why but I feel as if I've changed a lot towards something that I don't like. Seems like I lied more, I became disinterested in some stuffs that I used to enjoy and I changed emotions in split seconds. Where am I heading to? I don't know if this is tiredness talking but I sure don't like this." Ok, so that was my initial post. I decided to re-edit it as it did not really sum up the whole situation of what I'm feeling. News flash, LIFE SUCKS. I can hear people actually replying to me out loud, "NO KIDDING LADY!" Yeah, this is the holiday and guess what? I feel like crap. Like a complete crap. Ask me why, honestly I don't know why. I mean it could be just me being really tired after a hard day's work or me in my usual "blue" mood. I don't know. All I know is that: a) I'm feeling like crap b) I don't know how to solve this c) Probably has something to do with a certain someone that I used to be close with but now it's as if our relationship is nothing more than strained and far away Option C seems tempting... Anyhoo, I'm just going to deal with it. As usual, because apparently I can't really talk about this problem with anyone. I'm ALONE. There we go, ALONE. Once more. And I thought this feeling would never come again, but here we go again. P.S. Never expects the best from other people, even the people you love and you thought understands you the most can change. People who used to care, who never seemed to forget about you can do those things in a split second.
Birthday in a few minutes... Wow!Soon, I'm gonna be 18 years old. THE BIG 18. I wonder, what is it going to be like. As for now, I feel just as normal as I can be. Pretty big age, more responsibilities, more chores, more work... More everything. Insane much? Well, maybe I'll update here again how it goes. For now, I am still unsure about almost everything.
New Term, New Class, New Modules Isn't is scary being the new kid?I feel like this is what's going to happen again. I am going to be separated from my close friends from my previous class. New term, new class, new modules... I don't know how I'm going to survive. God, please just let me go through this year with much happiness, content and bliss. Let me succeed in reaching my goals. I don't want to be this kid who doesn't fit anywhere. I don't want it to happen all over again. I just want to be able to fit in and be myself without feeling awkward or scared that I will lose my friends. This year will be a new year, I will be a better person with better goals and better achievements. P.S. Michael Buble's new album "To Be Loved" is good. Soulful, catchy and brings back tunes from the past. Song for today: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8NaYf8F8V1A Michael Buble - To Love Somebody
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ThE StorY My name is Nadia. I am a girl who is insane, bubbly, cheerful and emotional. I am 16. ThE BanD This is the blog where I pour my thoughts, hopes and dreams. Occasionally abandoned but still worth seeing :) AspirationS
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